Ethan's Guide to High School
by Sturbanger
Summary: This is Ethan Morgan's Guide to High School, White Chapel, and The Supernatural.  But that doesn't fit as a title.  There's simply nothing else to say, so read it.
1. My So Called Life

**Okay, after writing that pointless smut (That, apparently, scarred a 13 year old girl for life) and promising that I would write something productive in MBaV afterwards, here it is. I actually was originally planning to write this on my Humor/Darkness/etc account, but I figure I might as well since I promised on this account.**

**Been working on guides due to inspiration of Skyskater, who writes some good stories, I think they're all Anime fandoms, but I'm too lazy to check.**

**I apologize in advance for wasting your time.**

Ethan: …So first you have someone rape me, and now I have to guide people through the impossible?

Pretty Much, yes.

Benny: Why don't I get to do anything?

Erica: I swear, if you write something bad about me…

Ethan: *Backs away slowly*

Benny: HELLOOO?

If you're bored do the disclaimer.

Benny: . Sturbanger does not own MBaV, or us. (Thank goodness. Who knows what he would do with us.) He doesn't own any of the references made here, and if you sue him you're going to end up with a debt the size of the U.S's. Insert other disclaimer-y stuff here. He doesn't own XKCD either, but you may wanna visit because there are a million and 14 references to it.

**My So-Called Life.**

Uhh…Hello internet people. My name is Ethan Morgan and I live in White Chapel, a town in Canada where things aren't exactly normal. Although, if you're in this section, you probably know that. Well, like the title implies, this is my online guide to White Chapel, The Supernatural, and, most difficult of all, High School, graciously published by Sturbanger. Trust me, these three things should NEVER be allowed to mix together. At the very least, try to graduate high school before you start dabbling in the supernatural, and if you do, please don't move here. There is enough stress here for me, thank you very much.

For, you see, I'm a Seer. Sometimes, usually when I come in contact with something of supernatural origin (Crap, I'm starting to sound boring…) (Publisher's Note: Yes. Yes you are.) I can see into the future and all that. It's not an ability that you want if you want to avoid suddenly freezing up and staring into space in public and saying something along the lines of, "Oh Shit…" for no apparent reason because, of course, I never see any visions with any positive meaning whatsoever. Except once, where I saw a Rebecca Black Concert after…getting pushed into Sarah. And I'm still wondering if that technically has any positive meaning, for the Halley's Comet-like ellipse of every one of her song lyrics still plague the internet.

My best friends are Rory and Benny, who you probably know. Then there is Sarah and Erica, resident vampires. You know them all (Probably) But I'll give you a little sketch of them anyways.

Sarah is a really cool vampire. She's nice, she doesn't drink human blood so she's still partially human (Although she started gnawing on my table once when I got a paper cut. My parents still think we were fooling around with Forks. Who pokes holes in tables with forks?) and she's…uhh…An amazing person. Let's move on quickly now…

Rory is…he's Rory. You'll get to know him well, because I have a feeling he'll be doing something stupid every other hour and I'll be compelled to write about it to keep all your mortal minds occupied and entertained. He's been switching it up lately, I think he just can't make up his mind between Rory Vampire and Vampire Ninja. So he's going around wearing jet black body-hugging suit with a hood, a badly-designed shirt that says "Rory Vampire" that completely kills the point of having a secret identity (He even has one of those black eye-masks tucked in his pocket!), and his normal clothes. And, of course, he's probably going to be listening to 10,000 decibel rock music through his iWhateverThey'reMakingNow that you can hear from five miles away. He's trying to compose a theme song, but you can guess how THAT is going…

Erica used to be part of our social class, meaning she used to be a Straight A student with glasses and all. Then of course she transformed into a Vampire, grew breasts, got perfect eyesight and night vision, and basically became one of the most popular girls in school. Then of course came the whole Smart+Hot+StrongEnoughToKillBill combination. And now she won't come within ten feet of the rest of us (excluding Sarah) in public.

Benny has an unnatural obsession with gaming (Please ignore the fact that I'm the person he's playing with.) He also has a habit of failing. He's a self-proclaimed technological master, who can't open a door after ten minutes of hotwiring a car. He's also a self-proclaimed Spell Master, who can somehow CURSE HIS BEST FRIEND AND MAKE SAID BEST FRIEND BECOME A NAKED HUMAN AGAIN IN FRONT OF SARAH AND ERICA instead of casting a simple reveal on an obvious werewolf. But I'm not bitter…Excuse me for a moment. I'll finish introductions later. I have to log on and shoot someone a few times…

Ethan Morgan

Off to shoot Benny.

My Bedroom

**Just a short introductory chapter, because, as I said in my pure-smut, this series deserves more than a couple fanfictions. It deserves the 1300 more stories it needs to get in the top 100.**

**Hope you liked it.**

**No Flames, Or Ethan and I shall shoot you several times. And you will not like it. **


	2. A Dark Road Out of Hell

**Well I've got three reviews so far (which…makes it tied with both my other *ahem* Stories), and if other people have the same opinion maybe this thing will actually go somewhere. Or it'll sit here and rot and die a lonely, sad, Fanfiction existence. I'm opting for the first one, however it's not my decision.**

**But I will admit that the advice I give you is never going to help you in High School remotely. I haven't even been there yet. If it helps you. I'm afraid you may or may not be entirely human. In which case, please do not contact the government lest thy shalt be whisked away into some lab and dissected.**

**And yes. It is supposed to be weird.**

**BTW, on the ads at the top of the FF screen, I laughed because the ad was for "USA Today Bestselling Author. Sarah Morgan. A Night Of Scandal." Or something like that.**

**Chapterly Advice: Beware of the Police. They're the only people who legally are armed just in order to hurt you if you pissed them off. Unless, of course, you wear goggles, are trained to fight against tonfas and blunt weaponry, and are wearing a suit of rubber/Have Matrix reflexes. **

**See, I told you my Advice doesn't help anyone!**

Benny: Write something positive about me!

Ethan: *Shoots*

Benny: …Give me a minute to respawn and I am going to kick your-

Rory: Hi.

Benny: Fuuu- can you NOT sneak up on people?

Rory: Vampire Ninj-*SMACK*

Erica: That's better.

Sarah: All that disclaimer stuff from the first chapter. Y'know that stuff? Insert it here. So no, Sturbanger does not own Sum41, MBaV, or XKCD, or any of that

**A Dark Road Out of Hell**

Once upon a time there was a land named White Chapel, which was strange because it was practically cursed with monsters of all sorts, and did not, in fact, have a white chapel in it anyways. And in this land there was a beautiful Half-Vampire Princess, who refused to become a full vampire. However, after a series of unfortunate events, The young Seer Prince became bitten by a vampire, forcing the Princess to fully become a vampire in order to save the Seer Prince. To this day, as the Princess copes with her fellow vampires, and The Prince writes a comedy story, complete with anticlimactic ending for a miniature fantasy tale.

Said Prince also promised never to squeeze humor out of self-reference.

…Shit.

Ethan here. I just finished murdering Benny several times and I am ready to make Chapter Two the start of the actually guide. And, contrary to popular belief, I did NOT use cheats to beat Benny. If anything, he forced me to cheat by trying to make his character better with magic. And, as I explained previously, he fails miserably at that stuff. I won't go into specifics, but he's gonna want a lot of new gaming equipment very soon. Otherwise he'll go into withdrawal. I don't know what comes after that, quite possibly a magical disaster on par with Hurricane Katrina. Or Hurricane ScrewItLet'sJustTrashFloridaAgain.

The second one hasn't happened yet. But I saw it. I told you I never get positive visions…

So it's time for me to actually be a guide to stuff. Then I'll go back to explaining my life and why you do not want to move to White Chapel at a later date. Today's a Sunday, so I'll tell you about High School stuff as it come along, quite likely in the middle of Science or Math, because I don't want to learn more about "Bromine Aluminum Nitrogen" or anything.

Anyways, It's time for _**Supernatural Corner!**_

…And yes. I promise one day I shall think of a better name for this segment. For now, since we're still doing the introduction, I won't say much. Just the basics

Sooo. This is the section where I'll tell you about everything supernatural, so that you don't end up like Rory, letting yourself get bit at a party, coerced into drinking blood, and suddenly an immortal vampire. Yeah, trust me that is probably not something that you want happening to you. This is also the section where I repeatedly warn you to avoid amateur spellcasters. Or else they could curse you. And that is equally bad.

**Spellcasters**: People who do magic. I only know two spellcasters, and that would be Benny and Jane. Yup. You do NOT want my sister to get a spellbook in her hands. Little girls with spellbooks can often mean giant lightning bolts and animated dolls. And Bennys with spellbooks…you get the point, right? These people cast spells and have potions.

**Vampires**: I'm pretty sure you all know what these are, they have pointy teeth, super strength, super speed, sanguire, and all that fun stuff. You don't want to mess with them. Even if you do have a little girl with a spellbook and about a hundred angry ghosts on your side.

**Fledglings**: These are part-vampire, part-human. It's the stage in between when a person is bitten and they drink human blood. They also die in seven days if they don't drink blood. Consequently, expect to see numerous dead animals around you if you happen to live near a fledgling.

I think those are the most important to know right now, because it's only chapter two and it's still introduction and all that.

**White Chapel 101:**

**Lesson One:** Howling+Hair+White Chapel=Werewolf.

It's simple math, when you see someone who is hairier than the average bear, who howls, and lives in this town, you're screwed come full moon. I recommend either magic potions that cure the curse, or silver. But you would never have done that second one to me when I was a werewolf, right? Because you love me. Because I am educating your mortal minds.

Rory and Benny just came over, so I have to go now. We'll be busy trolling the Dusk boards, and Benny's computer is dead, and Rory came over for the hell of it. Speaking of Rory, it took my hours to convince him to use "Vampire Ninja" as a screenname over "Rory Vampire," because he refused to believe that the second one would screw over his anonymity.

-FML-

Hello people of the internet! Have no fear, the Lord of The Night is here! Ethan fell asleep, and I found this cool journal! And NO, I did not just go to a party, get bitten, and start drinking blood! Everyone else was doing it too! And no, I don't do something stupid every other hour! Although I may or may not listen to loud rock music.

_I don't believe I've fallen asleep_

_Is this beginning or ending? _

_Am I stuck in a dream?_

_I don't want to know what I think I suppose_

_Out of the light into timely demise_

_There's a cross on the hill_

_The holy image of lies_

_I've opened my eyes but this dream is still real_

_You don't need to worry I'm just fine_

_I've just lost my mind._

_Tell me it's over cause _

_I don't feel a thing at all_

And my theme song is actually going quite well. But…erm...I'm too busy posting this other song to show you my theme song, so maybe next time.

_Consciousness, no more_

_Senses all have disappeared_

_Am I alright, alive tonight?_

_Paranoid, or am I dead right?_

_Am I alright, alive today?_

_Crash and fall into his light with me_

_Look in my eyes, tell me I'm alright_

_I don't know if I'm still alive_

_If this is goodbye, forever's just a lie_

_Big enough to make you want to try_

_In just one life, how can we?_

_Live enough, to rest in peace?_

_In just one life, how can we?_

_Live enough, to rest in peace, now?_

Anyways, I better go before Ethan wakes up. But remember, Vampire Ninja can find anything. There is no where he can put this journal that I will not find it.

_Here, as I stand, hand in head_

_And one hand on my heart_

_As I depart, it's not so hard_

_What a day, to become a man!_

_You had your scars_

_But I never that that you would give me mine!_

_While looking for the answers, only questions come to mind._

_Cause I've been lost in circles for what seems now for quite some time_

_And I don't know I came here_

_Or even how I got this far_

_All I can tell you is my fate is written in the black stars_

_Well_

_What am I supposed to do?_

_Bless myself, this perfect Hell _

_Of my own_

_Is the best I've ever known._

_Tell me something I don't want to know_

'_Cause I can't believe it's so._

_What am I supposed to do?_

Besides, he wouldn't keep me from my loving fans, right? It's obvious that the only reason you people would read this thing to know what I, Rory Vampire, am doing! Why would anyone want to know about Ethan's life? It's rather boring when you think about it.

-FML-

_I've become sick of everyone now_

_And I don't feel remorse for the forgotten_

_And I don't care at all_

_I've become sick of everyone now_

_And I'm the patron voice of all the problems_

_And I don't care at all._

_Oh take me away_

_I'm sick of everyone today_

_I'm not okay, but I'm fine this way_

_I need no change._

_So take me away…_

_I'm coming down_

_Fell apart_

_It's hard to keep together_

_When you don't know where to start._

_I've become sick of everyone now_

_And I don't feel remorse for the forgotten_

_And I don't care at all!_

_I've become sick of everyone now_

_And I'm the patron voice of all the problems_

_But I'm sick of everyone!_

_Take my breath away_

_I don't need it anyways_

_Cause I'm fine here in my own forgotten world_

_Where I can be myself_

_Left with the hand I'm dealt_

_And it's hard to get a grip_

_When you're holding onto something_

_You just let slip away!_

ARGH, RORY! He vandalized my notebook with ten minutes of song lyrics! Now I have to write around them, damnit! And people DO want to hear about my life and my advice. That's why it's MY guide to high school, White Chapel, and The Supernatural!

_All these thoughts locked in my mind_

_Spinning round like endless time_

_For once in my life…_

_I do want to feel_

_Something you call real_

_I don't think that I've got_

_Time for these scars to heal_

_And the days just go by_

_Leaving questions in my mind_

_I guess I'll find the answer_

_Someday in another life._

_Here, with my old friend_

_The silence in the end_

_It rings so loud that I cannot pretend_

_Id I just close my eyes,_

_And ask a thousand whys_

_Will it change or stay the same_

_Will it ever go away? _

_The question still remains!_

_All these thoughts stuck in my mind_

_Spinning round like endless time_

_For once in my life_

_I do want to feel_

_Something you call real_

_But I don't think that I've got time for these scars to heal_

_And the days just go by_

_Leaving questions in my mind_

_I guess I'll find the answers, _

_Someday in another life_

_Warning signs read Desolation_

_On the road of Desperation_

_Happiness Machines_

_I'm coming clean_

_What can you do for me!_

_I do wanna feel_

_Something you call real_

_But I don't think_

_That I've got time for these scars to heal_

_And the days just go by_

_Leaving questions in my mind_

_I guess I'll find the answers,_

_Someday in another life_

_So here, now I stand_

_At the end_

_Of a dark road out of hell_

_It's not so hard_

_As I depart_

_What a way to become a man._

Bah, sorry if it's hard to read all this, a certain blonde vampire just HAD to write song lyrics everywhere. Anyways, I better find a good place to hide this where Rory can't find it. Or I should just make him go back home instead of letting him stay over…but they he whines like a four year old. Sigh.

And yeah, I promise I'll write more tomorrow.

Ethan

Off to hide my journal better

My Bedroom

**The song was "A Dark Road Out Of Hell" by Sum41.**

**Anyways, I hope you enjoyed Rory and Ethan's writing.**

**I probably had more to say, but if I did, then I forgot. Bad memory and all. If there is a topic you want to be brought up (IE. Classes, Teachers, Social classes) You should review and tell me. Btw –FML- means time skip,**


	3. Highschooler's Guide to Life Begins!

**Well, let's hope more people like this story, because it's still trailing horribly to…almost all my other stories on Fanfiction. Still opting for people liking this~**

**A bit depressing that my lemons are the fics I write with the best reception. Curse you dirty minded populous! Especially in this category. My two M PWPs have 8 reviews alreadeh…**

**Apparently Scarring Children for life and trolling are commendable activities, and I'm glad people think it's funny.**

**Not so glad that MBaV won't be airing its second season till…Like early next year, and even worse that it's so short. On the bright (and random) side, Legend Of Korra has a 26 Episode line-up thus far, but it's not gonna air for a while T_T.**

**Didn't get any suggestions about what aspects of High School to write about, but it doesn't' really matter that much, especially so early on.**

**Although I have no idea what the Canadian school system is like. So don't yell at me!**

**Someone needs to write an Etharah called A Night Of Scandal. Seriously. **

**Chapterly Advice: Expecting timely updates from SturbangeRotrum is a very bad idea. He's trying to work on numerous fanfiction simultaneously, has very difficult summer math homework (AKA: Is too lazy to do it), is "Creatively Constipated," has chronic writer's block, and all that shyte.**

**Random Message: I still don't own XKCD, but I make a shitton of references to it. I've been told I'm addicted to XKCDs. That may or may not be true. I also don't own Skyskater, which is impossible, but I was inspired to write a guide by her, and I stole some of the French translations in this chapter from her Matt's Guide because…I don't know French. I know some Spanish…So yeah, don't' complain that my French is bad. I basically stole a few French phrases from several people.**

Rory: Why don't we get to be bolded?

Sarah: Does it matter?

Rory: It's nice to be appreciated…

Ethan: You vandalized my notebook!

Rory: You left it lying around!

Ethan: It had three locks on it, was inside five boxes, and was hidden behind one of three doors, one with a guard that always tells the truth, one with a guard who always lies, and one with a guard who stabs you if you ask tricky questions!

Rory: Yeah, about them, their blood was a little thin.

Ethan: RORY!

Erica: Sturbanger doesn't own anything. There, my contract has been fulfilled *Walks off*

**The Highschooler's Guide to Life, The Supernatural, and White Chapel begins!**

Bonjour! J'espere que ta journee est le tabernak! I'm in French class right now, as you can tell by what I just said. If you have no idea what I just said, don't leave because you think I'm cussing you all out or something. Then I might get fired. And I only used ONE curse word! Anyways, I said Hello! I hope your day is badass!

I hope your day is badass, because even though I'm only in first period I definitely can't say my day is going to be. Besides the fact that I'm still recovering from being bitten by a vampire (So far I've been: Human, Human[Seer], momentarily fledgling, and Werewolf. Isn't this a delightful town? Let's stick this onto the list of reasons not to move to White Chapel, shall we? Unless, of course, you want to be the one-man play of Dusk or something like that)

So, this morning was pretty normal, actually. Benny, Sarah, Erica (Reluctantly), and I all met at a curb where we got into Sarah's car (Which she doesn't actually need since she can fly). Then Rory popped up out of nowhere. Then, the argument started. It happens everyday. It's the argument that starts when Erica complains to Sarah that "Popular and hot girls shouldn't shepherd nerds around, and we definitely shouldn't appear at school with them!" Or something like that.

Of course Benny and Rory both say that they're cool because of Stachowski-ism or Vampirism or something like that, while Sarah and I try to make them shut up so we don't end up crashing into a poor, innocent victim (It hasn't happened yet, no. But it will!). Then Sarah would lose her car and Benny and I would have to walk, and Rory would…Fly, and Sarah would…Fly, and Erica would complain that if she flies then her hair will get ruined and she'll force Sarah to walk with her, and Rory will stalk them.

I tried explaining this yesterday, but I've officially given up on them now.

So we got to school, and Erica disappeared at high speeds in order to not be seen entering the school with us, Sarah sighed, and the rest of us went inside. So yeah, regular morning *Unfortunately*.

When we went inside, the morning news was airing over the intercom system. The newswoman said something along the lines of, "Yesterday, Hackers took down the website of the CIA." About half of the students heard, "THE CIA HAS BEEN HACKED! WE COULD BE NEXT!" And were running around screaming. The other half were laughing because they heard, "The CIA has been hacked, those vulnerable Americans!"

Benny and I spoke nerdspeak, so we, and the rest of the people who do, heard, "Hackers tore down a poster put up by the CIA. In other news…" So it was pretty funny looking at the Chaos. Sarah just kinda facepalmed after she realized that she had been hanging around us too much and she actually heard it the way we did.

So, after that morning, I could tell this wasn't going to be a good day. Waking up to arguing, and chaos rarely leads to anything good (Like I said, a daily routine). In general it just makes people irritable. Let's add that to **Reasons not to move to White Chapel**. Before Rory steals this again, I'll clarify. Rory's existence is NOT a reason to move to White Chapel. If he tells you otherwise, remember this is MY guide, not Rory's. Maybe someone else will publish Rory's guide. But this is MY guide! So do NOT listen to thieves. Especially not Vampire Ninja Thieves who can't decide what to name themselves, and can't tell the difference between zombies and teachers.

Soooo…French Class, the class where students yell at each other in a language different from the language they normally yell at each other with, while simultaneously learning new words with which to yell at each other with. It's also the class where people trade situations in which they can actually say "C'est ce qu'elle a dit", AKA that's what she said. I mean, it wouldn't be so bad if the French Teacher's Motto wasn't: "You can say anything you want in my classroom, as long as you say it in French." So…Remember recess? Take all the yelling and cursing and stick it in this classroom, then translate it into French, and you now have my French Class. I suppose it wakes you up for the day.

It's a wonder anyone is learning anything. Of course, I, being a geek, have to ace all my classes. It's part of my job description. Unfortunately, your genius Guidemaker also has to spend time tutoring Benny, who has a tendency to pronounce every letter. AKA: French is the worst language possible for him to learn. (Don't even try to teach him a language with characters)

I don't even know why there have to be so many silent letters in French, the language itself is a maze of random letters, half of which you pronounce. Then there are all the vowels! General Rule Of Thumb: If there are a million vowels, it's French. If there are a million consonants, it's German. Oh, and if there are more than four Ks in a sentence and no Cs, it's probably German.

Most surprisingly of all, no one in my class is currently failing. Although they may want to cut back on the coffee, because, one of these days, someone is going to run through a wall. And another one of these days, they're all going to turn into French-Speaking Zombies. Oh, wait. They already did. Five of them are absent due to recovering from head injuries suffered in a coffee shop. Our teacher doesn't even bother with roll call, she just takes out one of those things that measures decibels and waves it around for the first five minutes of class. According to that thing, we're all due to go deaf by late May. Go figure.

Bon Sang… (Damn it...). I'll…get back to this later.

**-FML-**

**So I was really considering writing more than just French Class this chapter (Which I don't have, obviously.) But y'know, I figured this was a nice stopping point, and that you guys have been waiting long enough anyways.**

**Do they have free periods in Canada O.o? I clearly did not plan this thoroughly enough! **

**No Flames or I shall slowly make you deafer and deafer until you become deaf sometime in May! Then I shall overrun your town with French Speaking Zombies, but you won't know until it's too late, for you will be unable to hear anything!**

**Anyone wanna suggest what the rest of Ethan's schedule should look like?**


	4. Power is Poisson

**Hi people. I'll be starting school soon, so be happy if I get two chapters done in a month (Unless, of course, I get some nice inspiration.) For the person who said Canadian High Schools only have four classes…screw that, that's not enough material. I'll stick with seven. As of now, the schedule is French-PE-Science-To Be decided, so I could still use some help.**

**I'm not gonna have Rory just steal the guide every other chapter I'd like to note. It's ETHAN'S guide! Not Rory's!**

**I'm not Ethan in disguise; he just emails me the guide entries every now and then.**

**Uhhh, I believe that's all the review stuff I need to comment on. **

**Man, people on this section review so much more on smut, 28 reviews divided by two one-shots, dayum…And everyone seems to love EthanXBenny. Which brings me to the question of, EthanX Sarah, Benny, or Rory, for this story? (Not Erica. Or Della. Or Jane. Or Benny's Grandma. Or Puffles, the dog. Or Debbie Dazzle. Or Dazzle Dan. Or that turtle. Or Ichigo Kurosaki. Or True Jackson. Or Zack Martin. Or Hannah Montana. Or Rebecca Black. Or Justin Bieber. Or the French Teacher. NO ONE ELSE! Just those three who aren't in paretheses.)**

**Someone actually said they were considering writing that Night of Scandal thing. O.o. I honestly didn't see that coming.**

**If anybody got the reference I made in last chapter's title, congrats. The rest of you need to read the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams (RIP) and the rest of the series (In this case, Life, The Universe, and Everything)**

**I reuse some humor from my smut. So sue me, it's my material.**

**Chapterly Advice: Do not write Fanfiction when you're supposed to be doing homework. Otherwise you end up like me, a procrastinator. **

**Real Advice: Do not procrastinate procrastinating. Remember. Procrastinate now, do not put it off until later.**

**^I don't own Ellen Degeneres Either.**

**REAL Real advice: I don't give good advice. Don't listen to me.**

**Possibly better advice: Do not bullshit a professional bullshitter.**

**Random Message: People like Rick Perry and Michele Bachman (Not bothering to see if I spelled her name correctly) want to abolish Gay marriage. Or our reporters are seriously screwed up in the head and can't hear things correctly. Either way, **_**someone**_** needs to fix things. So yeah. Don't vote for them. Or, if I'm entire wrong, blame the media. Not me. I simply don't care enough to make sure my statements are correct. And you will not correct me. Either way, if some of you readers are over 18, I win. Or you'll just not listen to me and blame me. In which case I shall force you to move to White Chapel, where you will be haunted by all sorts of supernatural shyte. And you will not be given anything to defend yourself with. Not even a spork. Instead I shall tape a "Haunt Me" sign to your back!**

**Wow that was a long boring speech.**

Benny: I can so speak French!

Ethan:…Have you HEARD yourself?

Benny: Yes, I have ears!

Rory: You also have fleas.

Benny: I do NOT have fleas!

Sarah: Yes. Yes you do.

David: *Inches away slowly*

Benny:...

Rory: I still wanna be bolded…

Ethan: While Benny tries to cast some horrible magic on David that inevitably fails, I'll do the disclaimer. SturbangeRotrum does not own MBaV, The language of French, the idea of pronouncing La Chat as La Shit (Skyskater owns that idea. It just fit so well into the chapter…I sowwy…I promise I'll stop siphoning her words. Seriously, you uguys should start a petition to keep me in line. Or hold a gun up to my head as I write), Canada, White Chapel, the Supernatural, Life, High schools, FML, XKCD, or…well..anything.

**Power is Poisson**

You're all probably wondering what stopped me from delivering this wonderful, amazing story to all your awaiting mortals, something so powerful that I didn't even write my name/action/location like I always do. Trust me, if it happened to you, you wouldn't be able to write more either. So I was in a very loud room full of French and hushed voices in English (from the people who were too lazy to use French), writing in my journal, right?

Well, apparently, one of the hushed voices talking in English said the word "Poison" in conversation. I don't know why Poison would ever come up in conversation, unless you're playing pokemon or planning on killing the teacher with some horrible poison, like Arsenic laced with cyanide.

Rory, with his super-vampire hearing, heard it and, this being French Class, he thought the guy said the word Poisson. If you don't know what that means, it's "Fish." Then he ran over to me and started crying on my shoulder. Why couldn't Erica be in this class to deal with him…

After ten minutes of Benny and I trying to pry him off while our French teacher, Mrs. Knight, continued to try to teach us all, I finally got enough words out of him to have a general understanding of the situation. Apparently, he got a fish recently, and decided to jump out at it with super vampire speed in order to "Test his ninja reflexes." The fish's ninja reflexes. Riiight.

Did you know Fish could suffer heart attacks?

Yeah…Next thing Rory knew, his fish was upside down, floating.

In other, non-fish related, news, my entire left sleeve is now soaked through by Rory's tears. Because he killed his fish. By giving it a premature Heart Attack. Can you NOT see what is wrong with this situation? Oh hey, it is fish related...

So, while Benny and I are both trying to pry him off of my arm, Benny is simultaneously arguing with me about how to pronounce French. If you remember, he insists on pronouncing every. Last. Effing. Letter. So somehow, he turned the word, "La chat" into "La Shit" and refuses to stop saying it over and over again until I admit he's right. So yeah, tuning him out now by writing. Journals can be rather useful sometimes.

Anyways, Rory's Tears are going to stain the pages pretty soon. Can't wait 'til next period when I can change into something dry. Just hoping this shirt dries by the end of Gym. Or else I have to wear it during Science…

You can just _feel_ the weird looks I'm getting through the words, can't you?

-FML-

Well. I told you that my day would not, in fact, be badass. It was like that time I bumped into Erica and watched her slowly killing some random civilian for food (Ugh, stupid visions. They're NEVER positive!). Except what happened was slightly less bloody than the vision. We have a substitute PE teacher, because our PE teacher was hospitalized (Due to a "Large shoe-shaped mark on her head." Zombies are dangerous. Don't feel sorry for her. SHE TRIED TO **EAT** ME. If she did, then you wouldn't have this MAGNIFICENT story, and you love this story. Right? Plus, her name is Mrs. BOSSY. You don't even need another reason to avoid her)

So of course, we all changed and had to play Dodgeball. AKA: The last game nerds want to play. Unless, of course, they're sick of school (And/or bullies, people, or are actually physically ill, but forced to go to school anyways) and wish to be hospitalized due to critical injuries via Red, Rubber Balls.

It's also the game where if you can't throw, dodge, tumble, cartwheel, and catch at the exact same time, you're pretty much screwed either way. Generally, you only need to do three of those things at a time, and if you manage to stay out of the spotlight for a long enough time, you can narrow it down to only two of those at once. So yes, it's basically just some screwed up game invented by sadistic Gym teachers who wish to see their students suffer.

Things you need to know to survive Dodgeball with a minimum number of injuries:

-Never let your guard down, you need to see the entire enemy half of the field at once. And understand every last detail

-At the beginning, do NOT rush forward to get a ball at the start. Chances are, you'll be that one guy who didn't retreat in time.

-If you don't have the best aim, you should wait until someone gets closer to throw a ball, and nail him while he's recoiling.

-Continuously do the classic hit and run, get as close as you safely can, throw the ball, and retreat without ever turning your body.

-Hide behind bigger people.

-Use your best friend as a shield. Or else he'll/she'll use you as one first.

-Never throw randomly. It could cost you your life.

-If you catch the ball, bring back the best player. Period.

-Pretending you didn't get hit is a bad idea.

-As cool as they sound, don't use techniques like the lob-and-drill, they leave you wide open.

-Stay in the back for as long as you can, usually you can wait most of the game out.

If you REALLY don't want to play, I recommend waiting for the first or second good player on your team to get out, then purposely get out. No one will waste time bringing you back if you're not good, the only negatives are flying, wild balls and having to sit there all period. Unless you're a sadist who enjoys watching people get injured by red, rubber balls. In which case, I recommend looking for a profession as a Gym Teacher, or perhaps a substitute Gym Teacher. Do NOT become an anesthetist, just because you enjoy watching people go through surgery without painkillers does not mean you get to make that happen by "Accident." Plus, doctors get sued a lot anyways. Teachers, not so much, it's their _**job **_to make children suffer.

Children just tend not to realize that until middle school.

Anyways, so in our game of dodgeball, I followed my own advice by grabbing Benny in the Snuggy Bear Hug and using him as a shield. He tried to escape. But resistance is futile. MWAHAHAHAHHAA. That, my friends, was an evil laugh.

So Benny, in his infinite wisdom, decided to grab from David, AKA our star plater, and use him as a shield. Well..you can guess how that ended. David got out very soon, and we were practically screwed. It didn't help that our own team began pelting Benny with red, rubber balls that he was unable to avoid (But he remained my shield since you can't get your own eam members out. But they tried...very hard). So…we lost, and Benny had to use a minor healing spell in order to not have to go to the hospital.

All's well that ends well, right? Sort of. My shirt sleeve is still wet as I write. Also as I write, Rory is off in another class (Thank goodness,) Benny is giving me The Look for causing him indirect pain through evil weapons of mass destruction (AKA Red, Rubber balls,) and our Science Teacher is picking up on his lessons about "Bromine Aluminum Nitrogen" that he had to stop due to…injuries similar to those that befell our gym teacher.

In other news, our teacher has informed us that he's now qualified to teach a three-day segment on Brains next month. This is Chemistry and Physics. Yeah…I think he's still suffering from…after effects.

Oh, and in case you haven't heard, there are officially no relevant Fledglings anymore on account of…a certain series of unfortunate events leading into Sarah's becoming a vampire (Even though Erica could have saved me.)

Now, time to pretend I care about Bromine Aluminum Nitrogen.

**Ethan Morgan**

**Pretending I care about BrAlN**

**Science classroom**

* * *

><p><strong>Hello my readers~. Read, Review, Rest, Reiterate, Respire, Rationalize, and Remember, I wrote half of this at 1 AM.<strong>

**Today was orientation at my new school. Our guide gestured behind him and told us we would mostly be in rooms like the one behind him. It was the electrical room. Later we were shown the Greenhouse that only had one plant. It was dead.**

**In other news, the GSA rep, who was there, was HOT.**

**No flames, or I will make you have to play dodge ball in Gym, and I shall have Ethan use the Snuggy Bear Hug of Death on you, and you will get viciously pummeled by weapons of mass destruction, AKA red, rebar balls! And you will not like it!**


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